10-1

took yesterday off work cause i was sick. being sick sucks. I think its just a head cold or mild flu. I feel much better today but I'm still not all better. we had a very yummy tie beef stew for dinner. it was great going down and I didn't notice the spiciness of it till I puked it up later. being sick and pissed = puking who knew. ok so I knew but I'm was surprised by it none the less. the pissyness was caused by what I'm assured was a misunderstanding. Ill believe that to keep the peace. I'm all messed up being sick and dealing with emotional stuff is the sux0r. being emotional and crying makes my head all stuffy on top of the fact that I'm sick is just what Ive always wanted. yes I'm being sarcastic. talking to travis earlier about being pissed helped some mostly it helped me to let go of being mad. it was about parenting. I have pretty much no history of being a good parent. I have severe issues with patenting. mostly not wanting to be my mom. but it seems that I am indeed just like her. after being an absent parent for so long I have to decide if I can be a participant in syds life now. even though Ive been here for a year I haven't been being a 'parent'. hell I haven't been a parent in what I would like to call the word in well lets be safe and say EVER. I'm my mother there is no showing anything but a strong hand in the direction I want things to go. an to tell you the truth that breaks people I'm the product of that kind of parenting. yeah there was love but I wasn't able to really see it till I moved out from my parents house. yeah my mom loves me but there is no effort on her part to be a part of my life. the only time I talk to my mother or anyone in my family for that mater is when I make the effort to reach out to them. and frankly it hurts. I feel left out most of the time. I feel like I have nothing. I hate my older sister part of that is because she is willing to take the time every day to reach out to my mother and make her a part of her life. I'm so much like my mother its out of site out of mind. well not really out of mind but more like out of touch. I think about it a lot but I'm so disappointed when I reach out to my family I just mostly don't unless I'm so desperate that I'm screaming and ripping myself up inside. its mostly a last resort kind of thing. I'm getting better at being solitary. of keeping my shit bottled up and in a place that it wont bother other people. now I feel like thats what it is. emotions are things to bother other people. keeping my shit to myself is really hard. if I let it out it gets messy and I don't want to get messy with people who don't have the time to really be there for it. sometimes I need a lot in people to deal with my shit. so mostly I just don't bother people with it. yeah its really unhealthy and someday its going to kill me but hey at least I don't have to spill it on people in the hear and now. I guess putting it away right now is easier than having to deal with my stuff and other peoples reactions to it. there are a lot of things that I just puzzle and ponder over till I figure it out or let it go. Ive been really good at letting things go. if I don't let things go then I don't have room. I can only tolerate so much. letting go seems to be a really good way not to spill over and get messy all over every where. travis calls it sticking my head in the sand and not dealing with things. I call it letting go of shit that really doesn't mater that much to me anymore. it might have gotten me at first but I got over it and moved on. hell there are things in my store of issues that took me years to get over. lol there is so much crap in my box right now relationship wise that I'm pretty lax about holding on to much new stuff at the moment. over the last few years Ive slowly been letting go of things that used to be important to me. its just easier to let go at this point. there is so much more that I'm not letting go of thats still causing me problems that the scales are still tipped toward the heavy side. way heavier than what Ive let go of. I guess in a way I'm being stubborn and wanting to keep somethings that are just keeping me unhappy. if Id just let go it would be easier but I just haven't gotten to that point yet. I guess I still need something to hold on to to make myself miserable once in a wile when I feel like digging through my emotional bag of tricks. I really need to get my self back into therapy. unfortunately its going to have to wait till my work soothes out again. they are bouncing me around schedule wise so the next couple of weeks are really going to be to rocky to get things started again. there is so much more I could get into about my relationship status at the moment. but I wont because then Ill likely spill over and get messy all over the place. this is a good place for that but right now I'm tired and cold inside and I'm not so sure I could handle it without making things worse than they already are. I'm just to tired to deal with my own shit. thats sad that I'm not willing to deal with it. hey at least I know nothings going to change wile my issues are on the back burner of my life. reliable thats what things are at the moment. broken but reliable. even if I'm the only one that sees the broken things. I guess to me they are only broken. hey thats something I could just let go of....if its only me that thinks its broken is it really that broken. I should work on letting go of broken.