Not that it will be noticed but its been a wile. Things haven't changed much. Still dealing with my ongoing L&I case. Though I hope that it will be coming to an end in the next year or so. We are working on getting them to pay my Dr bills. Some of which haven't been paid since the case started in 2011. Its a process...a long ass process. A process mucked up by getting approved for disability.  Luckily my time loss payments didn't go down much. My lawyer was concerned about a massive reduction in the amounts L&I pay me. The payment went down less than a hundred and I'm getting about the same from disability.

 Its nice having more income but fubar due to to disability deciding I have to have a representative payee. Not being able to access and/or control my money is irritating. My representative payee having to keep records as to where all the money goes is a pain too. Some of the guide lines for money allotments crack me up. $70 monthly for personal hygiene care ie. non food stuffs. $30 a month for recreation! The hand book recommends a movie or a trip to an amusement park. But I cant just have the cash, all monies are to be paid by my representative lol. Its a pain in the butt. Nice to be getting more money but a pain to manage due to restriction on how someone else can spend the money I'm not allowed to touch. It was a pretty emotional blow to have them decide I was approved but they didn't think I was competent enough to handle my own finances. I might have some severe issues but money handling isn't one of them. I'm usually over cautious about money.

I have been super good or depressingly bad depending on how you look at it. I have spent no money on craft supplies since we have lived in central WA. Its been more than a wile since I had the things my brain likes and wants to do. So good on the finances but bad for me having a happy content mind.  I did put together a fairly comprehensive wish list for tools and supplies I would love to have. I have plenty of time to fall down the internet rabbit hole... I would rather have something to do that makes my brain happy but its just not in the works right now.

yesterday I had yet another independent medical evaluation. it was the second psycological eval trying to get some coverage to the profesionals that have been helping me free of cost to me throughout the last 2 years of my L&I case. the first year was mostly me trying to  deal with the case on my own but that didnt work very well. its been very nice of my pain therapist to see me for free. I would like to see him paid fro his time.

talking to the IME dr has led to much thinking.

I am dont think Im a very strong person. I grew up prety isolated and didnt learn very good coping skils growing up. Im still isolated. I can think of 5 people that I see on a regular basis.  I see Jer and Cryss everyday because I llive with them. I see Travis and Michelle at least once a month when I go to pick up Sydny for visits.

I have not had custody of eather of my children. most of their lives.  they are good kids so I guess it hasnt harmed them and has been for the beter.

I remember being told on a couple ocasions that I wasnt much of a person. I gues I have found it easier to have people around me guide me through my life instead of making decisions on my own. its very hard for me not to go over and over something thinking its not a good plan or maybe the wrong thing to do. I know Im capable but having someone reinforce that helps me get things done. I guess thats tiring for people to feel like I need constant hand holding in my life.

I have felt more than a few times the need to run away. like a fresh start somewhere new would cure all my problems. sometimes it has worked. but its always been running away knowing I would have someone to help me where I have landed. thats a lot of unknowing presure to put on someone. its been a really crappy thing to do.

its not been very fair to other people the habbit I have of I guess forcing myself into a position of being useful. I try to do as much as I can for people so its hard for me to not be around and doing the things I do. it makes me feel usefull to do things for people. it gives me purpose when I feel mostly useless in life. I guess I use that to reinforce the fellings of uselessness I cary inside. if someone else thinks Im usefull then I must be.

Im not having a very good day today and Im dumping my pitty party her eI guess. buck up and deal is something that I get tired of telling myself.

talking to the dr. and dealing with other life things has me thinking about stuff and I have some serious abandonment issues. cant run from it and I sure have a lot of other stuff to deal with so I dont even want to ad more to it.

I have a habit of loking back and all the things I could have done differently. its a should have could have trap and stupid but I do it anyways. its a hope that I can just stop doing it but I do it anyways and its not helthy for sure. lost in yesterday when I need to be looking at tomorrow. tomorrow is looking prety lame.

7/17

this mornings apt with the surgeon was odd. he did give the the typical you arnt where you need to be speal but it was half harted at best. he seemed off his game today. he wants me to try a new physical therapist. ill try them and see how it goes. now its another month till i see him. todays PT was a wrench and crank session. Im glad I see this therapist only part of the time...

got stuff done today that was on the to do list. if the weather holds overcast like it is now I might bet out on a couple hours to wash the truck or clean up the front yard some. the weeds out there seem to grow faster than I have the energy to keep down. I dont like seeing it all weedy and unkempt so I have got to get out soon and weed weed weed.

had the total score trips to the goodwill and fabric store yesterday. got some really nice blue striped wool for $6, a wooden box for 69cents and a pillow for $1.29. the fabric store was just as good. want in looking for some fabric for a cape that Syd wants. came out with a $30 cutting mat for $6, a $30 set of sharpies for again $6 and some paint for Syd to use wile working on the art project I got for her to do. its a 12 drawer chest that I want her to artimify with some of her work.  I cant wait to see what she does with it.

7-4

My brain has been so fuzzy recently. having a hard time with memory and just generally being functional. I think Ive connected it to my Dr. upping one of my meds. its the worst choice ever between being less depressed and so spacy its scarey. even now sitting here to make a post Ive forgotten all the things I wanted to say. I guess ill just keep going even though it might be a bit jumbled. its a big fat super frustrating not being able to collect my thoughts. not connecting that today was the 4th of july and thus a holiday causing businesses to be closed. I need to pay my rent still and the banks are closed...much stupid.

Ive started massage therapy in addition to my physical therapy. its brutal. the first apt left me with some serious deep tissue bruising over my shoulder blade and back and took a few days to lighten up enough that I was ok with things touching me. having clothing irritating you is well, irritating. second apt was with the lady who Im going to be seeing from now on. I like her much more than her stand in for the first apt. I feel the bruising but its not so much that its got me being afraid I'll touch one of the muscles that was abused. she also laid out a plan of attack for getting my muscles back to how they should be working. I like it when things are explained to me. I guess it makes me odd to enjoy having anatomy lessons wile someone is dealing with my body. having her explain what she is doing and why makes what she is doing easier to deal with. and it hurts a lot! she worked mostly on my chest and arm because my shoulder blade was still to painful from last session for her to do much with. the funny lump Ive developed on my breast bone isnt normal it seems. Im hoping it wont take long for the muscles in my chest to be less painful and she will be able to hit them again next session.

I know there was something else bit I cant remember what it was.....

6-27

had my shoulder surgery and a couple months in a sling. not being able to type and not really having the will or energy to post kept me away. my pain therapist really wants me to be doing some type of journal so its back to posting again.

surgery sucked. from what I understand from comments made and questions answered. during the surgery they ground off some of my collar bone to remove arthritis, removed a couple of big chunks of my super spenatus tendon getting rid of calcification, did a small rotators cuff repair and did something to my biceps tendon along with much cleaning up of the tissues surrounding all of the above. my surgeon was happy they didn't have to cut and relocate my biceps tendon, doing so would have meant a longer recovery time. I got released from the sling early due to atrophy in my elbow. I guess the damage being done to my elbow was more worrisome than the bit longer my shoulder is going to take to get better due to being paroled from the sling earlier than they would have liked.

morgan came up for the month right after surgery to help out. it was awesome having her here and I cant thank her enough for her help. I dont know how I would have managed without her. I do have to say that my house is much quieter without her and sydny here on the weekends...and much lonelier.

dispite being told by the surgeon that Im not doing as well as I should be, turning PT into a numbers game and a continual fight with pain tolerance, I feel like Im plodding through. its brutal having my physical therapist wrench on my shoulder twice a week and he hates it. he has told me multiple times that Im his least favorite patient due to the amount of pain he has to cause me to get us where the surgeon wants. its been a sad road watching him go from the 'you can do it' rah rah rah guy to the empty enthusiasm I get from him now. I got massage therapy aproved so we will see if that helps improve the numbers any. if all it did was give me a little more movement with less pain id be happy.

my pain therapist is great. beyond great actually. he isn't getting paid to see me once a week and he keeps telling me he will keep seeing me as long as I need despite getting paid or not. I have Never had anyone in the medical profession tell me getting paid didn't mater. we both agree I'm in much need of help and he is giving it to me. some weeks are a race to see how fast I can make time fly by till I can go in and vent at him again.

I am still waiting to hear if the protest I lodged 6+ months ago is going to be approved. thats the crazy thing about dealing with L&I, things take to long. I put in requests and have to wait till they have time to look at them or make decisions about them. I'm still waiting on the surgeons report for the surgery. I haven't heard anything on the results of the last ordered IME. the IME results will determine if my pain therapist is going to get any compensation for seeing me... so frustrating. on top of all the waiting I get shuffled from case worker to case worker. the latest one assured me things would be different with her but so far its just the same old game. no response when I call them. so I keep going to appointments and trying to do everything I can to not endanger my case.

the last 3-4 months have been pain full and frustrating for me but I'm still doing...not like I really have a choice right? I guess I do. I could be giving them the big fat finger and just dealing with not having the use of my shoulder at all. not really a logical choice to make so I'm stuck "using my arm as much as possible but no weight bearing". its as tough as it sounds believe me. Im tired a lot. really really tired.

3/30

yet again its been a wile. the shoulder has continued to be stupid. on 2-29 my Dr. attempted to go in and break up the calcification in my shoulder and remove it by sucking it out through a needle. the attempt was a fail. a couple days after the procedure I ended up going back in because I was in a considerable amount of pain and shouldn't have been. it felt like the needles from the procedure were left in my shoulder. my Dr. assured me he didnt leave them in there and gave me a referral to see a surgeon. the surgeon even without all the records he should have had (my records had been sent over to the wrong office) said he wanted me scheduled for surgery asap. after waiting what seemed like way to long I finally got the approval from L&I. I have a surgery date on the 25th but will take any available opening due to a cancellation that comes up. the approvals run out on the 27th. the closeness of my current surgery date and the approval deadline running out are very close and doesn't leave any time if something goes wrong.

a couple months ago my Dr referred me to a pain psychologist. the guy is just great and I love him. he is the only dr that I have ever met that said he wanted to treat me even though I couldn't pay him. L&I can take a wile to get approvals through and he said it could be months waiting. it blew me away that he went ahead with treatment even though he might never be compensated for his time. he is so awesome. we really work well together and he is helping me deal with a lot of the issues that have developed and been amplified by being in pain for so long and the fight its been trying to get back into forking order dealing with my shoulder. I think the most amusing thing so far has been him teling me to ask myself when Im in a really emotional place "what would Jeremy do?" since Jer thinks very logical most of the time its a good reference point to work with. and quite amusing.

recovering from the surgery is really going to blow. from what Im being told about the procedure they are going to go in laproscopicly and remove the calcification and repair any damage done to my tendon and rotator cuff and cut my biceps tendon so its no longer in the way of the super spenatus tendon. the thought of them cutting a tendon is a bit scary. Im told people have it done and recover from it all the time. my arm will be immobilize for 4-6 weeks after the surgery and I wont be able bear weight with it for weeks after that. its going to be a long time of taking the bus to dr apt and places I need to go. driving is rough at the moment but at least Im managing. its pretty scary whats in store for me but ill get through it. I have to if I want to have a working shoulder again.

12-4

finally after 6+ months have my first time loss payment from L&I. took them long enough...working on my 3rd week of PT. Im still in passive therapy but I'm sure Ill get to the good stuff soon. Im hoping to be back to work in a couple months. working again will be nice. having plenty of free time is cool but no paycheck sucks.