5/31

ok so I know its been a wile but I got stuck in the series of books Ive been reading. Ive been doing nothing but eating and sleeping them all my waking hours are in the books. now life is sucky Im all through all but the last book. the problem is I dont have the last book. so now I have to order it and wait the bajillion days till it gets here. life is hard but what else can I do. there is stress in my life and I'm not so sure how to deal with it. I'm a week and a half late for my period. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. so its aether to early to tell or my body is just freaking out. I'm sure its the to early option. so now I have decisions I have to make. there are pluses and minuses about the whole thing. well duh. anyways it would be super cool to be pregnant but I know how hard it would be too. my body is no longer young. I remember the pain I had carrying Sydny. I'm, sure it would be way worse now that 10 years has gone by. so I'm way not looking forward to that. we live in a really small place not really any room for expansions. I'm the sole support of our family and I'm only covering living expenses none of the debt we have accrued moving here to Seattle. my car is on the verge of dieing. a good thing on the horizon is that Jer gets out of school in 3 months. and if he gets a good job right out of school things will get better. so in a nut shell Jer would have to be working and I would have to keep working to be able to afford a new place to live to support a child. in my heart I'm going yeah we can do this but in my head I know its probably not going to happen. another big thing in my doubts it that trav told me once a long time ago that I was a really shitty parent. it had a big impact on my self esteem that has never gone away. so with all the issues I'm at a stopping point. what the fuck am I supposed to do. I'm old. I know people have kids at my age all the time. but I'm old and take drugs to be productive as a human being. I'm not so sure I would be ok without my drugs. and I would have to stop taking them for a pregnancy. so basically with all the information I have I'm freaking out and still haven't come to a conclusion that satisfies me as to what I'm going to do. so I have 3 options have baby, have baby and give it up for adoption or have an abortion. yes I'm not one for using abortion as a birth control method but my other birth control failed so it might be my only option. abortion for me is a scary word so many people have such strong views about it. it scares me to even say it here on my own blog but I'm trying to review my options. I'm such a pussy about it too I don't want anyone to hate me for even considering it. I'm so fucked up about what to do. I know that if I decide definetly no to have one that I may be making some changes that I don't want to make. like having to move away instead of living here with Jer. every decision I make has bad things that go along with it and I don't want any of them. Jer has an opinion but its "we live in a small house with no money" thats it thats all I get. there is no more from him. I'm all messed up with no were to go. thats what I feel like right now. I asked what shel thought about it and she said something along the lines of do you even have to ask me what I think. so not much help there from her aether. oh and she was really bitchy about it. maybe people thin k I don't really care what there opinions are. which really sucks cause I need help and I cant find any. I have no one to talk to and I'm so messed up. not having help or anyone to talk to really sucks.

5-12

so I was doing a meme on LJ and it got me thinking a lot about the things I gave up coming to Texas to live with J. most of the people I considered my friends had faded away from me in the time I was with Marc. I did leave behind a lot of good SCA friends. and I do terably miss the
SCA. it was my home for most of the time I was with Marc. everything I needed socially I had to get there. it was good to me when I needed it most. but anyways back to my thoughts and continued thoughts on the loss of a great group of people. I miss my Sacramento friends the most. they were so great to me wile I was married to T and so supportive of me when him and I split. I'm not even sure what it is about them that I miss. maybe its the way I felt loved and wanted by so many people. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life letting someone come between them and me. by the time I was seeing what was happening it was to late most of them were lost to me. I still talk to a few of them and I still feel the love for them that I had before burning in my brain. but it makes me really sad that I let them get away. I defenetly miss some of them more than others. Ive had run ins with some of them that were just yucky and left me seeing how much everyone had changed and how I wasn't used to the people they were anymore. I still feel the same but I'm probably not. I know that some of them I will never see again and that saddens me. but I keep hope around that maybe someday things will work out and Ill be in the right place at the right time. I seem to be missing old good times. partying with people I love. I'm defenetly not in a party world now. mostly my life is dull. work and home to sleep. no social life what so ever and only having the friends I live with. I guess I'm missing a social life. I'm being pouty. I don't want any social life I want my old one it was so good and nothing in the world is ever going to replace it. wow I miss having friends.

5/11

so I'm a total and complete dough head. I keep messing up the dinner plans. I want M to be cooking but I keep being the go between between J and M. M tells me one thing the day before and J asks me if something is ok to have for dinner and I totally blank about what M has said the day before. I have a siv for brains lately. I feel totally bad for continuing to mess things up meal wise. I don't mind cooking but M is a way better cook than I am. she has the imagination and drive to make totally kick ass meals. me I just cook to make food. now that T has had the weight loss surgery I think meals are going to be a lot weirder. he wont be eating real food for a few weeks so things aren't going to be the same. see usually M fixes the dinner meal and we all eat it. but with her main reason for kooking not eating I feel like things are going to be a bit off. I think that when he is able to eat meals again things will go back to normal. till then its going to be a mad house in the kitchen and we all are going to be suffering for it. I just hope we don't have to be eating my meals for ever. the difference between her cooking and mine is like comparing a really good restaurant to school food. yeah mine is adequate but hers rocks. I'm not even sure how things are going to be happening on the nights I have to work. I get home fairly early tomorrow so it shouldn't be an issue. but on the nights I get off later its going to blow. I hate eating late when I have to go to work the next day. going to bed with a full stomach is yucky. truth be told I would rather not eat than eat really late. going to bed with a full stomach makes it hard for me to get to sleep and I usually wake in the middle of the night with heart burn. all in all not so good for me having to wake up early and get my ass to work. granted I'm really glad T had the surgery but I didn't realize dinners were going to turn into a problem. hell its early still maybe I'm having dooms day predictions about it all and things will be fine in a few days. the whole weight loss surgery thing thats been happening around here has really set to going some pretty big changes. there are good sides and bad really. we eat very healthy meals now. M has found a lot of great ways to get around her dietary restrictions. I'm not a fan of artificial sweeteners but thats something I'm working past. most of the time I just keep my mouth shut about being able to taste them and not liking them. there was a lot of drama about the dietary changes when M first had the surgery. I guess some of the things I said or the way I said them upset some people. one being about not liking artificial sweeteners due to the really yucky taste of them. now I just shut up about the food. I eat whats being served and offer my help in cooking it if I can. I do like the fact that we are eating healthier. I as a general rule like food that is good for me. I suppose I shouldn't be stressing about the meals but I am the system we had before was working perfectly for me. I got home from work and there was something to eat. it was clear cut and worked for me with little fuss. now I'm worried if I have to make dinner when I get home from work. and what I'm going to be cooking. hell I don't even do the food shopping so right now I have no idea what there is to cook with. ok I really need to stop stressing. I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope that things go back to being better or I get more info on the subject.

5/2

ok so as most of you know my dad died a few months back. I keep having this horrible dream that he is still alive but he doesn't remember me. its very yucky and I would feel great if they would stop. I suppose its all meaning that I'm totally not over the fact that he is dead. I know things just have to run there course on the mater but Id like for it to happen sooner. I hate waking up all weepy and sad. why cant I just be over it. it doesn't help that my mom is planning to have a wake for him in the coming months. so things aren't really over with him. I don't even know if Ill be able to go to the stupid wake. money is tight and I would have to take off work. both of those things tell me I'm not going to be able to go. even if they did pay for me to go down to CA taking off work is not something I'm wanting to do right now. I just don't feel like loosing my job. then again I would feel like a heel being the only one of his kids not there the same as when he died. I don't know I'm just all messed up and not quite sure what to do with myself.