2/28

I misspoke myself before Ive been working for 5 weeks. not that that really matters to anyone else but for me it pays to keep accurate records. Ive been very proud of myself today. I have a seriously bad case of PMS brought on by birth control pills that didn't work for me. thank god I have pills now that I know work for me. anyways Ive had an amazing control over my mouth today. Ive been really good and kept all of my comments to myself. and believe me its been a challenge not to say some of the choice words Ive been thinking today. I hate saying things in anger or before thinking about what I'm going to say. saying hurtful things is pointless and I try really hard not to do it. I figure if I don't or try very hard not to say bad things to others they wont do it to me. now that theory hasn't worked out for me so far but I'm ever hopeful.

its been snowing here. I'm really hoping it stops soon so I don't have to deal with bad roads tomorrow on my commute to work. I'm also hoping that work tomorrow will take my mind off of being in a pissy mood. and even if it doesn't take my mind off it at least it will give me something to do. I'm really through with feeling like I'm going to take everyones head off for talking to me. I hate feeling like I'm going to snap at everyone. granted Ive not had my usual patients today so most of what people have said to me has really been pushing my buttons. truly all I can do is think of something positive and that positive is I haven't yelled or snapped at anyone today.

2/27 take 2

ok so I hate it that I was stressed out but I'm better now. I was almost 2 weeks late having my period. that for me inst normal but then I haven't worked in a really long time so maybe that had something to do with it. it was all lame really. I had a pregnancy test and it came back negative but the doubts were still there. I'm just really not in a place to be a mother right now and I don't think I ever will be again. for one I know the kind of long lasting pain that goes along with me and pregnancy. I have enough pains every day already to keep me busy. two I don't have the kind of money that it would take to keep me and a child supported. I know I couldn't do it alone. hell now is the first time in a really long time that I have been supporting myself. and as before we will see how long it all lasts. third I don't have faith in me being a good mom or even being able to do it at all. no thats not true I know I would be able to do it but what would the quality of life be. fourth I like having no real responsibilities. all those things running through my mind stressed me out to pretty high levels. as soon as I have the means I think it would be a good idea for me to get my tubes tied. then there would never be another time of me being stressed out like this.

ok I'm not sure if its just me but I feel off with the people around me I feel like something is wrong. the only person who inst in that is Jer and he has actually been interacting with me more now that I have been working. but then that could be me too. he may be interacting with me the same just in a shorter time span due to me being at work all day. him and I may just do better dealing with one another on a shorter day. anyways Ive been pretty weirded out the last week. I feel like I'm not making time for something I should be or I'm missing something important thats making the people around me act different around me. and yet again I could just be adjusting to life working again. I don't like the feeling however or whatever the reasoning for it. I want to investigate the whole thing but I'm unsure if I have the mental energies to get into something if Ive messed up somewhere along the line. I even feel bad thinking like that. if Ive messed up somewhere along the lines I should just fix it and not let it fester.I hate it when things fester. I guess what I'm afraid of is that nothing is really the mater and its just me. it would really be easier for me if there was something amiss and someone has an issue with something Ive done. I don't like this feeling and if there is no apparent cause for it that I can find I cant get rid of it. I'm really hoping to get rid of the feeling. as much as I hate conflict I'm really hoping.

2/27

I cant believe its the end of February already. Ive been at my job one month now. thats cool. the month has flown by. I'm frustrated I have things that are on my mind and I want to get them off my mind but I'm not so sure its safe really. that kinda sounds stupid but there are other people involved and some potentially big decisions to be made. I'm going to be a wreck if things don't get sorted out soon. other than bigger things on my mind I'm doing ok. I miss my mother. now that my dad isn't there I worry about her more. stress sucks. I'm hoping that in a week or so it will all just get resolved and I wont have to worry about it anymore. had quite the fiasco yesterday. I got my work schedules mixed up and ended up going to work for a 7-4 shift when it was really a 10-7 shift. had a nice nap in my car due to that one lol. I'm hoping to be paying more attention to the calendar and my scheduling to prevent another long nap at work or even worse a late start. even though I was way early the day was good. very busy but good.

2/23

recently in posts and emails Iv had people wish that my life was better for me. my life is good really I have a job that pays decent with decent hours I'm in a relationship with someone granted not the relationship I want but one none the less. I have 2 beautiful kids and good relationships with all the people Ive had relationships with in the past. I have some of the worlds best friends who are there for me no mater what. I'm rich in life. I feel blessed I really do. I'm just looking for something more and I'm not sure what that something more is. I have to fight everyday for what I have and I feel like that is just. whats the point of having everything that I do if I didn't have to fight for it. I feel like everything I have is worth fighting for. and I know that someday I will find that something Ive been looking for to fill the little hole in my heart. truly I have no complaints. I'm just always looking to better what I have. so thank you to all of you out there who are a part of my life and who make me so rich. I love you all.

2/22

ok so Iv been into harry potter fan fics for a wile. this one did good things for my body lol I love slash.

warning the following contains slash if you cant handle it don't read it!!!
http://www.theparapet.net/ls/Ellen/skin.html

2/20

the week has been ok. I came home sick on Sunday from work. I feel like hell because I didn't stick the day out. I know that I only have a few sick days so I'm super worried about taking them. I know I needed to not be at work. passing out at work would have ended my job faster than taking a sick day. I need to make an apt and try to figure out why I have this whole passing out thing. Ive tried to connect it with food but this time that didn't hold up. Ive been eating good so I don't feel like shit at work. I'm just stumped as to why I just pass out some times. the whole deal is just frustrating as hell. sometimes I think its just me trying to get out of things I'm having a hard time dealing with. but it has to be an unconscious thing I don't think you can think your self into passing out.

I must have injured my tail bone some where along the line. I just know I have pain. a lot of pain sometimes. pain when I sit. pain when I go to get up. its another thing to irritate me in my life at the moment. walking after I have been sitting for a wile is a chore and a challenge some days. I feel lately like I'm falling apart. it would be nice to have a day that I wasn't worried about my back or my tail bone hurting. I'm sure the people around me are getting tired of me moaning and grunting every time I have to move around. I have gotten to a point that I'm tired of letting myself be stopped by things that hurt me. now I'm of the opinion that if it hurts or not I'm going to be doing it anyways. I'm tired of feeling beaten by my pain and letting it stop me from the things I should be able to do. I have to work and I cant call in all the time with pain. I have no choice but to just shut up and deal with it. I have no one else but me to help me live. I have to support myself and right now my family too. its simple and I have no choices in the mater.

I think of all the people in the world working and I wonder why am I so terrified of working. I know I was isolated as a child but that shouldn't have an effect on who I am today. everyday when I get up I feel panic that I'm not going to be able to do the things I have to do to survive. I take my drugs to quell the feelings I have that scare me and that are not normal feelings. I go to a therapist often. why am I so fucked up why do I intentionally fuck up all the good things in my life. my kids are not with me. my first marriage was destroyed by me. my second relationship was destroyed by me. I'm trying so hard with the third that some days I don't know what to do anymore if the decisions I make are worth the fight. every thing that I do do doesn't seem to mater and I'm held in a limbo of panic and devotion. I'm told that nothing is wanted of me but to be strong for myself. well I'm sorry but I need some support. I don't think I'm ever going to be a person that can just be by myself. I need others. I have learned a lot about being alone. Ive learned that its hard and it takes a lot out of you. Ive learned that I don't want to be alone it sucks. some days I wonder how people do it all the time and like it. its just not for me and I don't ever want to be used to it.

my thoughts on...

so it was brought to my attention that I could relieve a lot of my sexual frustration myself. it was a nice thought but there is one flaw to that plan. ok here where I share more information than a lot of you probably wanted to know....masturbation does nothing for me, it never has. you might think that I'm doing it wrong but I'm not. there is no joy in the self love. I have orgasms but there nothing more than my body doing its thing. orgasms from masturbation are mechanical for me. its like a check to make sure everything is still working. I can make myself cum but there is no joy in it, no feeling what so ever just the dip and sway of my cervix doing its little dance. no I haven't stopped trying and I wont. Ill keep on doing it cause yes it feels good but its nothing like an orgasm brought on by someone else. there is none of the blood rushing to my ears drownding out the world. none of the warmth spreading hotly to every inch of my body. none of the singing in my blood. its just not the same. I guess I'm just demanding like that. I want someone else to make me feel that way cause I cant. for me productive orgasms are a 2 person deal. 2 people making something fabulous. gods I love a good hard orgasm hell who doesn't. so I guess for all of you out there wondering why I don't just shut up and end my own misery. there ya go far more information on orgasms than you probably ever wanted.

2/13

my Friday is here thank god. I'm sure I could have done another day at work but its so much nicer to not have to. my sister sent me a disk with pics of my dad. god I miss him just knowing that he isn't there anymore just rips me up. I have a feeling that its going to be along time before I stop crying every time I think of him. Ive been just not thinking about the fact that he isn't here anymore. being all weepy all the time isn't very productive. Ive had people in my family die before there just wasn't an impact like there is with him. I never knew just how important to me he was until he wasn't there anymore.

Ive been really good with the sex thing recently. I haven't asked. I haven't been getting any but I guess deep down inside I knew I wouldn't. I just barely caught myself the other night. it was on the tip of my lips almost falling out of my mouth before I stopped it. I had to remind myself why I wasn't asking for sex anymore. I'm wanting it a lot. now that I'm working again and I'm starting to feel really human and healthy the wanting is probably 3 fold what it used to be. thats a lot of want boys and girls. I'm horribly frustrated. I do feel crappy though. It would be nice to be wanted. to know that someone found me sexy. instead I feel used up and ugly and rejected and unattractive as a human being. yeah I know thats a lot of ands. who knows maybe this is just the natural progression of being with someone. maybe when things aren't 'new' anymore the relationship goes this way. Ive heard jokes about when people get married the sex falls off. maybe other things take its place of importance. I'm not saying married people don't have sex it just seems to be less of a worry to couples that have a longer commitment. married sex doesn't even apply to me cause I'm not married. hell at least married couples have want. I'm in a serious lack of wanting around here. I thought if I wanted enough it would be enough. boy was I wrong. one person wanting means shit in the whole scheme of things. someone asked me why I was still here doing this. being in a relationship with someone who wasn't giving me what I wanted. sometimes its not about what you want its about more than that. I'm here cause I love someone. I have a lot of want and a lot of energy to give to making things work. I'm doing a lot of that, making things work. changing a lot of things so that there is comfort. doing my damnedest to make life worth living for myself and those around me. Ive been having to do more for me cause I'm the one thats having issues, no one else. I'm the one feeling left in the cold, unloved or maybe undesired is a better word. I need to stop bringing love into it. maybe thats where my fault is. maybe I'm putting love in places that it has no business in. I love but that doesn't mean that everything has to be about love. I know that this is not a love and take thing going on here. I give love thats it thats as far as the love goes. I remember telling him once that I didn't want to love him. and he said 'is it so bad'. no its not bad at all its just a really hard thing to do, to love someone wholly with all your heart and having then say 'its nice having you around'. thats it folks thats all I get and then only when I ask for something. its a very large mountain Ive chosen to climb. every day is hard and I feel tired after every one. I'm going to keep climbing because deep down I feel like that is something good that I'm striving for, something good at the top. I refuse to have had this been a fruitless venture. I refuse to give up on loving someone. so tomorrow I start climbing again.

sorry for all of you who get to read about me trying to figure it all out. it may seem like I'm bitching but I'm not. I'm just thinking aloud and trying to work through it all to a better end. I just think I'm missing something important, something that just hasn't crossed my mind yet.

2/12

today was a good but tiring day. I feel all beat up. today I spent my day assembling barbecues. I put together 3 and it took me 6 hours to do them all. wow I'm beat. tomorrow is my Friday and I cant wait for my weekend. I have to say this week just flew by. my brain is dead. I'm sitting here trying to think of something else to say and I'm just coming up blank. there isn't really much more to life right now than work.

I noticed when I logged in to post today that I have 104 posts on my blog. I just think thats really cool. I'm proud of myself for sticking with the blogging thing as long as I have. there will be more to come so stick with me and wait for the next post.

2/6

YAY its my friday. I get the next 3 days off from work. its been a hell of a week.

my therapist called me tonight wondering what had happened to me. I missed an appointment with her when my dad died and hadn't made another one since then. it was nice to have her call me. I kinda caught her up on my life so far. she was happy about me having a job and sad for me about my dad dieing. she is a nice person I don't know about her being a good therapist but she is ok for the moment.

I was reading a book last night and they had a thing about loving someone who doesn't love you back. they went into yes its hard but its better than not loving them and having a hole in your heart where that love had been. Id rather feel love than know that its missing. I need love in my life. Ive learned so much from being in love with someone who doesn't love me back. its not the friendship kind of love its the whole heart shining when you see them kind of love. its a good love and I wont feel ashamed for it. I have pain that goes along with it but for me thats just along with the process of learning to live with loving and not being loved back. 'love is a 2 way street' is a saying Ive heard before. I'm learning that that is not always the case.

2/4

work is work. I suppose its good all in all. the people I work with are nice so far. this week is a hard one though I have a 6 day work week instead of a 4 day work week. I just keep counting the days until I have a day off. 2 more days to go. it becomes a litany the closer to the end of the day I get. I haven't been having a problem getting to work in the morning. I cant wait till Wednesday its the start of my weekend.

I'm doing ok with the no sex thing so far. its been about a month maybe a little more. with the job its easy to reason not asking for sex being tired and all. the bad thing is that I'm loving my partner even more now that I'm working and don't get to see him all the time. he is the first thing I look for when I get home. seeing him starts me to feeling like it really is the end of the day and I can unwind. he really is a great guy.

2/1

today was my first real day of work. the morning was all computer based learning (CBL). I have an hour and a half of that a day till its completed. it should take me a couple weeks at that pace to get it all done. sitting at there computers is a back ache to say the least. I hate hard plastic chairs. the rest of the day was putsing around the garden center learning stuff and stocking. the job is going to be easy and fun once I get all the computer learning out of the way. I'm kinda looking forward to register training. the highlight of my day was putting together a lawnmower. the people I work with are all really nice. my manager is a sweet young kid that is almost a pushover he is so nice. having nice and good people around me is going to make working there great. I had to get up at 6am this morning to go to work. I'm glad that tomorrow is my last day of that for a wile. getting up before dark and going to work kinda sucks. I missed my turn off this morning and had to turn around and come back. yeah dark sucks. luckily I leave early so I have extra time in case something happens. I don't want to be late for work and leaving early is the best way to prevent that. I'm contemplating getting up even earlier for work tomorrow and stopping at Starbucks to get some morning joe. lol na getting up at 6 is early enough for me. Saturday I start a more regular schedule of 10 to 7. 10 to 7 is very doable for me. I'm not so fond of the before sunrise commute. driving in the dark makes me antsy.
ok enough for now. see ya tomorrow