6/24

I was planning on being in bed by now but Jer thwarted me. well I did it really I got the laundry out of the dryer and failed to change the stuff in the washer over to dry. the sucky thing is my body pillow was in the washer and now I have to wait for it to dry. I do have a great difficulty sleeping without it. so I'm up waiting on it to finish. the nice thing is it will be all warm and fresh when its done and finally bed time. the last couple days have been ok this morning was terribly boring and I actually found myself falling asleep at work a couple of times. luckily no management was present to catch me in my long blinks. I hate it when its so slow at work. next week brings the dreaded filling in for the cashier week. the job isn't so bad if I can move around and do stuff. sitting at the register for 8 hours is tedious to say the least. other than work things are getting back to normal. my body isn't quite so mad at me now. I don't even think that Ill have to get now drugs. Ive found a happy ground with taking a zanex at bed time to cut the panic at night. waking up with my heart racing and feeling like the world is closing in isn't quite what I'm looking for in the mornings. I do think Ill make an apt with my therapist next week just to check in cause its been awhile. and I need refills on my drugs so I suppose a visit would be a good idea. ok time to go check the dryer and hope for the best.

6/22

today was a super sucky day with a happy ending. I woke up at about 5 in a full blown panic attack. it sucked and try as hard as I could I didn't get back to sleep. so up I was at 8 for work. the day was really hard the first 4 hours were in a tunnely sort of feel. or as my therapist would say I was disassociating. anyways it sucked and there were more than a few occasions I was ready to call it quits and go home but I didn't. I'm pretty proud of making it through the day feeling as vile as I did. the important thing is I did make it. I was so glad to get home. my head was pounding but it was still good to be home. we had breakfast for dinner. the eggs were perfect and the bacon was just as yummy. after dinner I persuaded Jer to take me to a movie. we saw 28 weeks later. it was ok just as creepy as the first and it left room for yet another sequel. I probably wont be seeing the third in the theaters. I'm more of an at home horror movie kinda girl. so now its way late and I have to go to bed which I don't want to do cause I'm still edgy from watching the movie. sleeping on a horror movie never sets well but the movie was my choice so I get to face the consequences.

6/16

ok so yesterday rocked. it was just a great day all around. had a bonfire when I got home from work and watched a movie it was just good. hell the last week has just been great. with the skating and the biking and the much fun. things are just good. I feel good. even when I get home from work I feel good. today was good especially after being a month late for my period it started today so I'm with the much of the rejoicing. dinner tonight was kick ass we had BLT with avocado it was supper yummy. Jerry suggested it so yay for him and his good ideas. I'm hoping that my run on feeling good sticks around for a wile. it would be really nice to say the least. the only thing missing is Trav who is in Wichita on a business trip. we are going to miss him for fathers day so happy fathers day Trav.

6/13

so the skating happened and I didn't fall on my ass. I hugged the wall the whole time I was there. it being the first time on skates I figure I did pretty good. Syd was disappointed to hear that I didn't land on my but not even once. it was fun and I will be going again. they have classes on Saturday at the rink. if I can get a Saturday off I will be joining them for a little instruction on how to go wile trying to remain upright on wheels. I'm determined to learn so that I have something fun and exercise like to be doing with my spare time. today was good spent most of my time watching movies. went for a very small bike ride just to cut the monotony of sitting on my ass all day. it was fun too though I didn't make it very far without wanting to die because my legs felt like they were going to fall off. I'm fat and way out of shape its going to take a wile for me to get to where Id like to be exercise wise. I'm going to go back out on the bike tomorrow. Jer wont be joining me cause he wont be recovered from the bike ride we did today. we worked a whole lot harder than me at it. mad props for him.

its funny even though I have all these things to do I know I'm not nearly making the effort I should be to get into shape. it would be nice to just have a magic button to make me thin and healthy. but from watching the constant struggle of T and S with there whole weight loss thing going on I just don't seem to have the will or the want to do more every day like I should. and the worse part is I don't feel evil for not doing more. I'm perfectly content to just go on being fat. without the effort I know its going to take I know its never going to happen and yet I still keep saying someday I will be skinny and attractive and in shape. I know I'm deluding myself and I just keep on doing it. I was doing really well in Texas wile we were working out. I was down to a lower weight. we moved here and I jumped right back up to where I was before Texas. I know from working out that all I have to do is be active and I will drop weight again. now that we have the bikes I'm going to be riding that or skating every day I don't have to work. who knows I may even stretch that to days I do work. from the way I feel right now tomorrow is going to be brutal but I'm going to go out and go on another bike ride. its going to suck doing it alone but I know it needs to be done. if I don't do it just because I hurt from the day previous then I'm going to start to come up with other excuses not to do it and the bikes are going to be a waste. I don't want to give up on something fun because I'm fat. I don't want me being fat to be an excuse for me not doing things any more. its easier for me to do active things with a partner but I just have to get over it. I still need to be active even when I don't have someone to share my pain with or to hold my hand. and I know all this sounds well and good but me being able to actually do it will tell all in the end. I guess Ill have to just keep going no mater how much I piss and complain. hell most of the time when I complain its only to me anyways.

tomorrow I go to work and get my paycheck and buy yet another pregnancy test. yeas I'm hoping this one gives me negative results just like the others did. aether way I just want to know whats going on with my body and why my period is so late. if this test is negative then I suppose Ill be making a trip to the dr to see if anyone else can tell me whats going on. I'm trying not to let it all bother me to much. I tend to make myself sick if I worry to much so I'm kinda not really caring about the whole thing. I know what the plan of action is if I am pregnant so there isn't really to much to be stressed about if I am. well I guess Ive been putting off bed for long enough.

6-10

life is still boring. I had a couple days taken up by potter porn but the story is all read again well for like the 12 time really. for all of you who like Harry Potter you might try reading the Mirror of Maybe. its a really cool story and one of my favorites there are 12 or 13 chapters I think and new ones coming as she rites them. I'm always waiting for another chapter. I'm totally addicted. still no aunt flo as my friend would say. the last pregnancy test was yet again a negative. so I wait for next week to do another test and hope for results. hell then I would at least know why I'm not having my period. Ive been off by a few days before but never 2 and a half weeks. I'm a bit apprehensive about Tuesday. its my day off and Jer and I are going to go skating. Ive never been roller skating before and I know I'm going to fall on my ass a whole bunch but I'm still willing to try and get good enough at it to be able to go speed skating with Jer. he used to do it a lot when he was younger and wants to start doing it again so I'm game. hell I'm in desperate need of a hobby anyways. we got bikes too. so I'm hoping that between the bikes and Jers want to be doing something other than sitting around Ill be losing me some weight. losing weight is good and I'm tired of being fat. Ive been eating better and less which was a problem for me for a wile. the pants I bought a couple weeks ago are to big now. its a good thing but it really sucks too cause they are work pants and I have to wear them. I think I might be taking a trip to the thrift store with Shel next time to try to get me something that isn't falling off my but. the pissy part is Ive only lost like 10 lbs but it was enough to totally ruin a new pair of pants. wow I guess more has been going on that I thought. till next time I guess.

6/5

today was good but on the boring side. gave the dogs a bath they desperately needed it. took sydny to a school skating night. watching your child fall on her ass repeatedly over an hour is much fun. not much going on really I'm only blogging because I'm bored to tears and I'm sure Jer is going to be fascinated with me watching him fix his comp all night. Thursday we are supposed to be having a big BBQ for a few people who are in the midst of there birthdays. it should be fun. we have a big hole in the ground outside of our bathroom. it seems that even though the sewer tank was just recently pumped its not draining into the leach lines properly. so in a couple weeks the landlord is going to be riping up the lawn to run new leach lines. so in the mean time we get a hole over the septic tank that is filled with stinky sewer water. its not pleasant. I'm looking forward to it being fixed. at least we can still use our bathroom. ok I think I'm all taped out. being bored sucks balls.

6/3

so Im a little less messed up now I had a good talk with trav that was way to short but thats how things go. things are clearer in my mind which is good for me I don't do well with pressure. today is Jer's bday so happy birthday to him. work was good but way busy for a Sunday. and it being Sunday we were short staffed and someone didn't show up so it was just plane crazy today. I like it to be busy cause it makes the day go by fast. today was on the edge of comfortable though. I'm looking forward to tomorrow not being quite so busy. Mondays usually aren't so it should be a pretty good day. I know I'm going to be at the register all day but even that isn't holding me back from being in a pretty good mood about it. not much going on really maybe things will be more exciting next time I post.