yesterday I had yet another independent medical evaluation. it was the second psycological eval trying to get some coverage to the profesionals that have been helping me free of cost to me throughout the last 2 years of my L&I case. the first year was mostly me trying to  deal with the case on my own but that didnt work very well. its been very nice of my pain therapist to see me for free. I would like to see him paid fro his time.

talking to the IME dr has led to much thinking.

I am dont think Im a very strong person. I grew up prety isolated and didnt learn very good coping skils growing up. Im still isolated. I can think of 5 people that I see on a regular basis.  I see Jer and Cryss everyday because I llive with them. I see Travis and Michelle at least once a month when I go to pick up Sydny for visits.

I have not had custody of eather of my children. most of their lives.  they are good kids so I guess it hasnt harmed them and has been for the beter.

I remember being told on a couple ocasions that I wasnt much of a person. I gues I have found it easier to have people around me guide me through my life instead of making decisions on my own. its very hard for me not to go over and over something thinking its not a good plan or maybe the wrong thing to do. I know Im capable but having someone reinforce that helps me get things done. I guess thats tiring for people to feel like I need constant hand holding in my life.

I have felt more than a few times the need to run away. like a fresh start somewhere new would cure all my problems. sometimes it has worked. but its always been running away knowing I would have someone to help me where I have landed. thats a lot of unknowing presure to put on someone. its been a really crappy thing to do.

its not been very fair to other people the habbit I have of I guess forcing myself into a position of being useful. I try to do as much as I can for people so its hard for me to not be around and doing the things I do. it makes me feel usefull to do things for people. it gives me purpose when I feel mostly useless in life. I guess I use that to reinforce the fellings of uselessness I cary inside. if someone else thinks Im usefull then I must be.

Im not having a very good day today and Im dumping my pitty party her eI guess. buck up and deal is something that I get tired of telling myself.

talking to the dr. and dealing with other life things has me thinking about stuff and I have some serious abandonment issues. cant run from it and I sure have a lot of other stuff to deal with so I dont even want to ad more to it.

I have a habit of loking back and all the things I could have done differently. its a should have could have trap and stupid but I do it anyways. its a hope that I can just stop doing it but I do it anyways and its not helthy for sure. lost in yesterday when I need to be looking at tomorrow. tomorrow is looking prety lame.