the light dawns

so today was fun... spent the day at mental health with me worker waiting on the dr to see me. alot of things dawned on me wile I was talking to her. the first was why Ive been wearing my jacket even though the temps have been up in to the 90s lately. Ive been keeping my wallet and must needs things in it. I thought it was cause it was easier than carying my purse but its realy cause Im having a huge insecurity about being homeless right now. it sounds realy silly. I know Im fine here or at least I think Im fine here. anyways Ive been carying all this stuff in the pockets of me jacket and I wear it all the time even when Im inside most of the time. I feel like if I have my jacket all my important stuff is with me and thats all I need to be ok. its totaly a false thought but thats whats going through my head.

the second big thing was that Ive been realy woried about my meds and how they efect me. I need to be on meds I know that. I want to feel a normality in my life and in my moods. I worry every time I get new meds that they are going to make me sick. its a reasonable worry to have a logical one even. I get so strung out that maybe Im missing something Im telling the dr or forgetting something that might make a difference in the meds she gives me. Im just so tired of not feeling right. never knowing how Im going to feel tomorrow.

they changed my meds today so hopefuly alot of my anxiety will fall away in the next few weeks. they have me on lithium, geodon, paxil, lunesta and zanex. I guess its going to be a fun next week getting used to them all. wish me luck

remembering

I am sitting here trying to remember things from my childhood. there isn't really much I remember at all and the tings I do remember are mostly bad things.

they are going to be changing my drugs tomorrow and I get assigned finally to a licenced therapist. not that I mind at all talking to my social worker but I need someone to focus me so I can feel like I'm making progress other than just blowing off steam once a week.

I want to be able to think back and remember other things besides the bad. I'm hoping that things and me will be able to be in a place in the next few months to be able to do that. it kinda makes me sad not to be able to just think of good things that happened to me as a kid. it cant be all bad

tired

so Ive worked 19 1/2 hours in the last 2 days. I'm all wore out. and a bit pissy. its the total suck when someone asks you to switch hours with them and then doesn't show up to take the hours they said they would. having to go in and being late cause some one flaked on you just makes me want to scream. and on top of not showing up to work the hours she said she would work for me but not showing up for her hours aether. me being the one there I took over her hours cause no one else would come in. so I had to close last night and them open this morning. all day I had my fingers crossed she would show up today for her shift. surprise surprise she didn't show up. I worked a 12 hour shift today and my ass is just worn out. she wont pick up the phone when its a call made from work. when someone does answer the phone they say she isn't there right now but she will be to work on time. yeah right so much for thinking she was reliable. my manager wanted me to cover her shifts tomorrow and I had to say no. I have therapy tomorrow and the last thing I want to do after therapy is go into work for an 8 hour shift. fuck her fuck management its my day off and I'm taking it.

crafts

so here is a pic of the newest silly craft thing Ive been doing in my spare time. there isn't much spare time so its going to be slow going on the next one.

therapy

so I started therapy today. it went well I have all the next 2 months of Mondays booked up. therapy is good it feels so good to get things out. mostly today was a ball fest its been so long since Ive had a therapist that it was like I was opening a flood gate. it was wonderful though.

my therapist thinks I might have been miss diagnosed being bipolar. she says she sees more going on than just being bipolar. she wants to see how things go the next month and see my with the psychiatrist before she asks them to change my meds again. which is good cause usually changes cause me to need sick days from work. I think in a month my boss may be a little happier with me being able to have a sick day or two.

we also talked about my lack of self nurture. I have a great power and influence to over nurture others but I'm severely lacking in my skills to love and nurture myself. its odd I know I over nurture others but when I try to think of what I need I just come up with a big blank. I guess that's going to be a continuing topic on Mondays for a wile till I can figure it out.

love and light

rocks

OK so I'm sick in the last 6 months I have spent almost $200 on rocks. they are pretty rocks and I'm drooling. I cant wait for the new batch to get here. my latest order consists of Andean Opal, peridot,blue laborite, shattukite, sunstone, citrine, hematite, blue lace agate, damoitirite, carnelian, angelite, kyanite, chiastolite, amathyst, ruby and smoky and rose quarts. Oh I so cant wait for them to get here.

I just fired up the rock tumbler too. hoping for some nice stuff out of that Ill have to wait about 3 weeks for it to finish. its going to be great to open that puppy to see what all I got. lol with a rock tumbler its like Christmas every day. I know I'm silly and obsessed with rocks. it could be worse I could have a thing for shoes or purses. rocks are the best and all those colors and much happiness I just suppose Im easily amused hehe.

love and light