1/31

had orientation for work today. it was most of the day sitting on my ass listening to my instructor chat away about this and that. my tail bone still hurts from all the time spent on the buss for the trip to CA and back. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and the prospect of real work. got home today and got lots of loving from my baby's. had a real discussion with Jer about life and livingness. its official today has been a good day.

I thought that my good mode was foiled by my dad dieing but I was wrong. I suppose if I had had the option of staying in Ca with my mom I would have traveled back down the road to depression. I don't want to be depressed right now so I'm not going to be tempted to wallow in anything. Ive always fallen so easily back into depression. I just don't want to be so I wont. before I would not want to be depressed but I wouldn't do anything about it. I'm actively wanting now hopefully I can sustain until it doesn't mater anymore. I'm looking at that being a long time. I want to be a productive part of society.

Ive decided to take the relationship that I have at face value instead of hoping that it will turn into what I want it to be. I know it will never be what I want it to be. hell its been 3 years of wanting and nothing has changed. so now that I'm being realistic things should be a bit better. realistic sucks and is nothing close to what I would want if I had the choice but thats life. its just not worth the stress and anguish of me lamenting over something I'm not going to get. Ive been needing to be realistic for a wile now but just couldn't bring myself to give up on what Ive wanted. I had a lot of time to think wile I was on the bus. not only have I been making myself miserable but others too. Jer has all but been ignoring me. he is polite but there is no interaction really. cant say I blame him though. I have been pissy for a wile now. Ive wanted more from him than he has been willing to give. its unfair to him and to me. more unfair to and of me. I hate it when people expect things of me that I cant or wont give yet I was doing just that and expecting the world from him. I'm sorry hun I know Ive been a bit unfair to you and it was just plane shitty of me. part of me not being depressed is getting rid of all the expectations Ive been having of others that were my expectations not the reality of what was offered to me in the first place. now that I'm working things will be better I will have a way to spend my time and energy on something worth wile, instead of wallowing in the perfect world I don't have and being miserable because of it. it actually feels good to say it. to say that Ive been making myself feel like shit about a situation I am unwilling to fix. I am not leaving and leaving is the only way to fix my expectations of this relationship. to leave and find something more to my liking. I hate to say it but if it was really as bad as I feel it has been half the time I would have left already. granted there are things I don't like but they aren't going to change. so why has it taken me so long to really get it and just deal. I guess I was just hoping that if I wanted it long enough it would change. I have to tell you boys and girls change doesn't come from want. its taken me way to long to get that. Ive known it but I'm stubborn and I just haven't gotten it until recently. I'm sure there will be moments when that want will come back to my mind but now I know that wanting in this situation is just unrealistic. I'm going to try to be happy with the nice pleasant friendship that I have. sex once in a wile would be nice but I'm through asking for it. having to ask for sex fucks with my head and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling unwanted all the time. I'm still stuck on the whole sex equals love thing. its a nasty way to think and its way unhealthy for me. maybe if I can finally get that through my head I wont want sex anymore. it seems like a sound plan lets see how long I can hold on to it.

ok I think I'm done for the moment. I'm sure there will be more tomorrow.

1/29

I went to CA hoping to get there be for Pa died but I failed. he died Saturday night wile I was on the bus. I have to say that 40 hours on a buss sucks. it was 20 hours one way so its been a long week and my whole body is tired. I felt pretty useless in Ca. I was just at a loss really. my mom is doing ok she has things planned so she has something to do to keep her occupied. I really want to be there but life is not in favor of that. I start work on Wednesday. I'm not really excited like I was. Pa dieing really cast a pale on things. I feel rather melancholy right now things just have no good to them. I'm sure Ill pull out of it soon.

good day bad day

today was literally a roller coaster ride. I started the day off getting a job. its nothing much but its something and it really doesn't pay to shabby. I will be working in the garden center at walmart. so the morning was great I was feeling fabulous until I got home and checked my email and found all these messages from family telling me to call home that it was really important. first time around I couldn't get a hold of anyone. I was frustrated but still doing ok wondering what the big deal was and why everyone was trying to get a hold of me. after an hour or so I got a hold of my sister who was at my moms house. she told me that my step dad had had a stroke and was in the hospital. him having a stroke would have been ok but to add to it he had ripped all his tubes out and had suffered oxygen deprivation due to the fact. so he is in the hospital having suffered a total of 8 (that they could count) strokes and hypoxia cause he wouldn't leave his oxygen on. so the deal is that he is going to have sejures from his epilepsy cause he wont let them give him an IV. and he is going to dehydrate for the same reason. the strokes have left him unable to swallow. so he is in the hospital and he is dying. he could have lived through this but he wont tolerate all the tubes that have to be in him to keep him alive. right now he is in a room half paralyzed waiting to die. my sisters are getting me a bus ticket so I can see him before he dies. I don't want to be saying goodbye to him. I'm not ready for him to die. I know thats selfish of me but its just the way it is.

1/15

had a good day. good days seem to be more than bad lately and I'm not complaining. went for a walk with the troops today it was really nice but not nearly the workout I was looking for. split wood first. Ive discovered I like waking up in the morning and splitting wood. I know I'm a freak. soon my mornings will be starting by working out with Shel. exercise is good.

found out that my ex is engaged today. no he didn't tell me I found out by reading her blog. I'm not sure why it bothered me. I don't call him. I email him occasionally not that I really get a reply back much. I don't know, it bothered me. I'm still friends with him. I guess I'm really just not a part of his life anymore. this really shouldn't bother me it was me that ended our relationship. I guess I feel left behind. not everyone can be as cool with me as Trav who has included me in his life even after we were divorced. did I mention it bothers me. wow I really need to let go.

the peeps got me onto Mozilla Firefox. its cool it has everything including the ultimate boredom fixer. I'm in love with stumble . stumble is an add on to fire fox that takes you to random sites on the web. tonight Ive been all over from funny to down right odd to educational. fun all in all fun is what it is. makes me wish they couldn't say 'I told you so' but they can and Ill eat it.

thinking on the armed services again. thinking hard. waiting on a recruiter to call me. should happen tomorrow. I hope they call tomorrow it would ease my mind about if they will take me or not. who knows maybe I'm to old. I'm nervous about it all. its something I want and have wanted for a wile but people all my life have been telling me it wouldn't happen. my parents drilled it in to me that the armed services wouldn't take me because of my health. well fuck them I'm healthy. they are the hypochondriacs. I'm tired of taking things my family has been telling me as law. I am a healthy person and I can do the things I want. I want to be healthy and be normal end of story. I want a career and and something meaning full to have happened with my life. its not a lot to ask. Ive been told I'm looking to others when I should be looking to myself. I think this is true. I just want something bigger than myself right now and have for a wile.

1/12

today was a good day. got up split some wood with the fabulous new ax we bought (after recently breaking the old one). the ax rocks nothing else needs to be said.

we are watching this new show called beauty and the geek. they take all these geeks and pair them with beautifull women hoping that they will rub off on eaxh other. its a really cool and funny show.

I might have more later but right now my mind is noodly. Shel made slopy joes for dinner and they were so good Im in a daze. my brain has simply shut down wile my tummy digests the goodness.

Im back

so I know its been a realy long time and Im sure most of you arnt reading this anymore. Im back. I havent been able to get to my blog for some odd reason...well it finaly let me back in with my google account.

the last post was about me moving to washington. well we got here. the trip was long. we drove mostly at night and made great time in doing so. things are nice here. we live in a one room place that my land lord lovingly calls the hovel. its a great little place and we sure couldnt and wouldnt be here without its great rent. we live next door to my family wich is totaly great cause I get them and they get me but we get to have our space. good lord knows life is easier with space. thinking of being here without knowing anyone here would be realy depressing. and knowing me you know I dont need depressing. I get enough of that just being me. but after a long dark things are getting beter and I feel the shades of depression falling back to leave me basked in light. I need the light its been a realy long time since there has been any light with me. I feel the light coming back so maybe life will turn more for the beter. its been a realy long few months. things have goten realy bad and Ive wanted to run. run away and hide and wait for things to settle. but Im glad to say I havent run. Ive stayed and wile its been hellish on alot of people I feel like Im ready for something. lol I have no clue what that something is but Im willing to see and live. who knows if this is just a realy temporary feeling. who knows tomorow there might not be any light at all.

Im back in therapy. therapy is good. alot of time I think its bad therapy. bad in the way that I only get a very short time with my therapist once a week. its not realy bad just not what I want. I want to have a comfortable repor with my therapist and I dont. things feel mechanical. I go in and tell her how I Ive felt in the last week then we do some relaxation exercises and thats it. I realise she is trying to teach me to chill but it takes time that I could be getting into how I realy feel and give me a chance to talk about things more. time with her is just to short. 30 minutes feels like spilling a glass of water and not having the time to clean it up. the water just sits open and messy left to get stale and then evaporate leaving a stain. water stains and the stain lasts. hard water is a bitch.

my puppys are doing good. Brin loves the snow. he runs out in it and makes a fool of himself slipping and frolicking around. then when he is done with his running he trys to eat every bit of snow he sees. he makes me laugh. he has been a solid love to me even when I fell like poo he still wants to sit with his head in my lap and let me love on him. Raiden is doing well too. dont wana leave him out. Raiden is as mellow as ever. he gets the energy to play with brin alot but still plops his ass down when its time to sleep. he knows that he has to be touching me when I sleep. he likes to lay right up agenst my chest when I first get into bed. he knows that if he plops down there he will have my full atention. its hard not to give him atention when he is within licking distance of your face. doggy breath is never a good thing.

I wish I could find a job. Ive been looking for a wile now I just havent realy goten any responce from any of the places Ive put aps into. I need to do another round of calling places to see if they have had time to even consider my aps.

well enough for tonight see ya tomorow. and thus starts my trying to post every day. this is for me after all. its been so long Im sure most everyone has forgoten it even exists. I supose its for the best gives me a bit more emotional leway to right and not worry that anyone would realy care.