1/31
had orientation for work today. it was most of the day sitting on my ass listening to my instructor chat away about this and that. my tail bone still hurts from all the time spent on the buss for the trip to CA and back. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and the prospect of real work. got home today and got lots of loving from my baby's. had a real discussion with Jer about life and livingness. its official today has been a good day.
I thought that my good mode was foiled by my dad dieing but I was wrong. I suppose if I had had the option of staying in Ca with my mom I would have traveled back down the road to depression. I don't want to be depressed right now so I'm not going to be tempted to wallow in anything. Ive always fallen so easily back into depression. I just don't want to be so I wont. before I would not want to be depressed but I wouldn't do anything about it. I'm actively wanting now hopefully I can sustain until it doesn't mater anymore. I'm looking at that being a long time. I want to be a productive part of society.
Ive decided to take the relationship that I have at face value instead of hoping that it will turn into what I want it to be. I know it will never be what I want it to be. hell its been 3 years of wanting and nothing has changed. so now that I'm being realistic things should be a bit better. realistic sucks and is nothing close to what I would want if I had the choice but thats life. its just not worth the stress and anguish of me lamenting over something I'm not going to get. Ive been needing to be realistic for a wile now but just couldn't bring myself to give up on what Ive wanted. I had a lot of time to think wile I was on the bus. not only have I been making myself miserable but others too. Jer has all but been ignoring me. he is polite but there is no interaction really. cant say I blame him though. I have been pissy for a wile now. Ive wanted more from him than he has been willing to give. its unfair to him and to me. more unfair to and of me. I hate it when people expect things of me that I cant or wont give yet I was doing just that and expecting the world from him. I'm sorry hun I know Ive been a bit unfair to you and it was just plane shitty of me. part of me not being depressed is getting rid of all the expectations Ive been having of others that were my expectations not the reality of what was offered to me in the first place. now that I'm working things will be better I will have a way to spend my time and energy on something worth wile, instead of wallowing in the perfect world I don't have and being miserable because of it. it actually feels good to say it. to say that Ive been making myself feel like shit about a situation I am unwilling to fix. I am not leaving and leaving is the only way to fix my expectations of this relationship. to leave and find something more to my liking. I hate to say it but if it was really as bad as I feel it has been half the time I would have left already. granted there are things I don't like but they aren't going to change. so why has it taken me so long to really get it and just deal. I guess I was just hoping that if I wanted it long enough it would change. I have to tell you boys and girls change doesn't come from want. its taken me way to long to get that. Ive known it but I'm stubborn and I just haven't gotten it until recently. I'm sure there will be moments when that want will come back to my mind but now I know that wanting in this situation is just unrealistic. I'm going to try to be happy with the nice pleasant friendship that I have. sex once in a wile would be nice but I'm through asking for it. having to ask for sex fucks with my head and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling unwanted all the time. I'm still stuck on the whole sex equals love thing. its a nasty way to think and its way unhealthy for me. maybe if I can finally get that through my head I wont want sex anymore. it seems like a sound plan lets see how long I can hold on to it.
ok I think I'm done for the moment. I'm sure there will be more tomorrow.
I thought that my good mode was foiled by my dad dieing but I was wrong. I suppose if I had had the option of staying in Ca with my mom I would have traveled back down the road to depression. I don't want to be depressed right now so I'm not going to be tempted to wallow in anything. Ive always fallen so easily back into depression. I just don't want to be so I wont. before I would not want to be depressed but I wouldn't do anything about it. I'm actively wanting now hopefully I can sustain until it doesn't mater anymore. I'm looking at that being a long time. I want to be a productive part of society.
Ive decided to take the relationship that I have at face value instead of hoping that it will turn into what I want it to be. I know it will never be what I want it to be. hell its been 3 years of wanting and nothing has changed. so now that I'm being realistic things should be a bit better. realistic sucks and is nothing close to what I would want if I had the choice but thats life. its just not worth the stress and anguish of me lamenting over something I'm not going to get. Ive been needing to be realistic for a wile now but just couldn't bring myself to give up on what Ive wanted. I had a lot of time to think wile I was on the bus. not only have I been making myself miserable but others too. Jer has all but been ignoring me. he is polite but there is no interaction really. cant say I blame him though. I have been pissy for a wile now. Ive wanted more from him than he has been willing to give. its unfair to him and to me. more unfair to and of me. I hate it when people expect things of me that I cant or wont give yet I was doing just that and expecting the world from him. I'm sorry hun I know Ive been a bit unfair to you and it was just plane shitty of me. part of me not being depressed is getting rid of all the expectations Ive been having of others that were my expectations not the reality of what was offered to me in the first place. now that I'm working things will be better I will have a way to spend my time and energy on something worth wile, instead of wallowing in the perfect world I don't have and being miserable because of it. it actually feels good to say it. to say that Ive been making myself feel like shit about a situation I am unwilling to fix. I am not leaving and leaving is the only way to fix my expectations of this relationship. to leave and find something more to my liking. I hate to say it but if it was really as bad as I feel it has been half the time I would have left already. granted there are things I don't like but they aren't going to change. so why has it taken me so long to really get it and just deal. I guess I was just hoping that if I wanted it long enough it would change. I have to tell you boys and girls change doesn't come from want. its taken me way to long to get that. Ive known it but I'm stubborn and I just haven't gotten it until recently. I'm sure there will be moments when that want will come back to my mind but now I know that wanting in this situation is just unrealistic. I'm going to try to be happy with the nice pleasant friendship that I have. sex once in a wile would be nice but I'm through asking for it. having to ask for sex fucks with my head and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling unwanted all the time. I'm still stuck on the whole sex equals love thing. its a nasty way to think and its way unhealthy for me. maybe if I can finally get that through my head I wont want sex anymore. it seems like a sound plan lets see how long I can hold on to it.
ok I think I'm done for the moment. I'm sure there will be more tomorrow.
posted by graeye at 5:05 PM
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