9-30

so I got to see my sister today for the first time in 5 or 6 years. it was great. so great we talked for hours. I think we could have talked for hours if we didnt both have things to do in the morning. it was well worth the little bit of stress driving out to where she is staying in seattle. it was cake getting there and back really. she has long hair now and its lighter than I remember it being. it was really good to see her. Im hoping to be able to work things out and see her on friday and saturday too. I thought of dragging her back here so she can see the beauty I see every day here and so she could see sydny. we will work it out. I will be seeing her again befor she heads back to california. I think if aloud we could talk each other to death. tonight was a wonderful thing. Im happy and really tired.

9-26

life is way to much to deal with right now. I'd forgotten how draining it was to look for a therapist and dr. and stuff. the worst part is hoping and then being told that there is not a program that I fit the peramiters for. I dot know if its worth it to keep going and feel crapy all the time or just deal with feeling mosterously bad and find what I need. why cant there just be a list of available services for people who dont have insurance and cant afford tons of money paying for help. mental health issues suck. all I want is a therapist why do things have to be so dificult.

9-24

things have been good mostly. talked to Jer a bit the other night. shared some of my concerns and maybe planted the thought that he needs to think about the way things are. lol Im sure he wont but there is always wishful thinking. had my secont appointment with the free therapist at my Dr. office. whe is awesome way beter than the last lady that was there. I really like her she makes me feel like she is acually listening to what I was and is giving me feedback. unfortunatly because of the workload she has she is only available an hour a month split into 2 sessions. its the total and compleat suck. talking to her has been good. I feel releaved to talk to someone. yeah therapy makes me cry but its a good clensing crying. Im tired but I feel good. its making me feel a bit lighter and it defenetly fills my cup to talk about life and my issues. she strongy sugjested finding a real therapist who could acualy give me time. she thinks I need a good solid hour a week to get anyware positive. so I think I migh try to find someone who I can afford so I can feel beter than I have been. feeling sucky is lame and Im tired of it.

9-18

yeah so things are up in the air at my work. in the last 3 days 2 people have quit and one got fired. its going to be an interesting week. Shel got back from her trip fine and I guess she had a great time. its so nice when you get a break. I am still trying to get over life really. started back into therapy in hopes of being a little less crazy. I'm tired of feeling crappy in general. life would be better or could be better if I knew what I wanted and then went for it instead of everything coming before me. Im really great at putting myself on the back burner for stuff that just really isnt that important. Im way beter than I used to be but still in the bad at taking care of me catagory. I was refered to the other day as a door mat and I must agree. I let far to many things go because I just dont think its important. I guess I took my mom telling me to pick my battles way to fat and not there is no battle. so making friends and getting a life is a goal. getting what I want would be fun to, but I can only go so far with that befor its grotesquely over done. tired. work is stressful because no one really has a clue what the hells going on. my kidney is being all sore too. Im really hoping Im not headed back in to the sucky kidney stone land.

9-8

so I get to be a year older today. it has been quite the day really. the road to my work was blocked this morning by a fatal car crash. it sucks when they close a major road just before commute hours. so I headed back home to get alternate directions bypassing the closure. it was pretty easy to go around. I was only a minute late for work. I guess my chronic earliness finally pays off. work was good the owner found out it was my birthday and brought me a balloon and a cake. it was sweet. got home to Jer taking the afternoon of work to spend some time with me. we didnt do anything but it was still nice for him to have done it. he did get alot done on his spoor game. spore is fun but mostly in the early swim around and eat stuff stage. I had planed for spagetti for dinner but the land lord beat me to cooking it. lol it didnt even dawn on me when I sugjested it last night that it would be my bday dinner. Im not very fond of spagetti. I didnt eat much. Trav did get some totaly yummy bread I groved on though. I still consider the Nachos we had the night befor Michelle went on her vacation my birthday dinner cause everyone was here. the nachos kicked ass. I miss Shel. I hope you are having fun Shel. I was brain dead and didnt give a hug befor she left now I feel like poo. I wish I had been playing more atention and been able to wish her love and fun and relaxingness. Love you Shel!!!!! hope you are having fun! ok well I guess its off to catch a shower befor bed.

Happy b-day

Hope you have an awesome day :)


Hugs
S

9-5

the awesomeness is still continuing. I'm stuck in a sickeningly happy rut and loving it. today Shel and I went to do some more shopping. we went to the mall on Wednesday and had a blast. I got a great hair cut and filled up on all the stuff we were running out of and some new hair prettys and stuff for me.

I had some one ask me the other day what I wanted and needed from life and my relationships right now in my life. and after looking at things Idecided that Im really doing pretty good. I want someone that is suportive and I need that too. I want to be held, touched and snuggled far more than I am but that can be worked on I hope. I love where I live and I really have every thing I need here. I have a mostly great support system. being near my friends and chosen family is great. yeah there is times when there is a squable but life isnt perfect and I think that without it things would be booring and no progress would be made. I really like being with Jer he is a good friend and an even beter roommate. I can live with out the snuggling and stuff or I can just go get it some where else. I have friends of the snuggly persuasion. life all in all is good. I cant complain at the moment....there is always tomorow hehe.

Shel is going to go visit friends for a week or so and Im going to be missing her. she way deserves the break cause she has been going non stop for way to long. its going to suck not seeing her everyday. she will be back soon but Ill miss her wile she is away.

9-1

so the last few days have been rockin'. Friday I got to sleep in which was nice. it was my day off but I ended up going into work anyways. after work I went to a wonderful lunch with a friend from work. I don't think Ive ever been to such a nice restaurant. the meal was free thank god because if it wasn't I never would have been able to eat there. Amy the girl I had lunch with said 'its all about who you know' the meal was free because the head chef was her brother in law. I had an awesome time. I think it might have been the first time since moving to Washington that I have done something with someone outside of the people I live with. it was cool to have an outing just for me really. and it started a trend. Ive been in a great mood ever since. Saturday we went to PAX. we wern't there for more than a few hours but it was fun anyways. their was a shit ton of people attending. the space wasn't really enough but everyone seemed to be making the best of it. the convention center had a great idea though. on every floor there were these bug pillow like bean bag things every where. Ive been to a gaming con before and it would have been awesome to have a place to sit and be comfortable. it seemed like every time we passed a group of the pillows there were people reading or just plain passed out on them. great idea. cudos to the people who thought of it. had to work Sunday but I got to sell my first puppy. it was easier than I had been anticipating. and there is talk of me getting commission right away. I'm not going to push it but it would be nice to have the extra money. today has been kind of a kick back lazy day so far. got some house chores done but other than that and the blogging I haven't been to productive. even if I don't do anything for my birthday this weekend was the goodness and has made me supper happy.

and on another note... I have a friend who is sending me religious propaganda. I'm happy she is religious and loving it. its starting to get to the point though that I feel like she is shoving her bible down my throat. yeah I'm religious. I have belief and faith just not in the same things she does. I'm not so sure how to ask her to stop spamming with the Jesus stuff without offending her. I don't really want to be converted and would like to remain in contact with her. (we were friends in high school) Ive dropped a couple of hints and I'm hoping she gets it. and I don't want to be rude to her. some people are just so oblivious when it comes to personal space. I'm firm in my belief that religion is one of those things I don't want forced on me. if worse comes to worse I will just block her but that would be sad.