the light dawns

so today was fun... spent the day at mental health with me worker waiting on the dr to see me. alot of things dawned on me wile I was talking to her. the first was why Ive been wearing my jacket even though the temps have been up in to the 90s lately. Ive been keeping my wallet and must needs things in it. I thought it was cause it was easier than carying my purse but its realy cause Im having a huge insecurity about being homeless right now. it sounds realy silly. I know Im fine here or at least I think Im fine here. anyways Ive been carying all this stuff in the pockets of me jacket and I wear it all the time even when Im inside most of the time. I feel like if I have my jacket all my important stuff is with me and thats all I need to be ok. its totaly a false thought but thats whats going through my head.

the second big thing was that Ive been realy woried about my meds and how they efect me. I need to be on meds I know that. I want to feel a normality in my life and in my moods. I worry every time I get new meds that they are going to make me sick. its a reasonable worry to have a logical one even. I get so strung out that maybe Im missing something Im telling the dr or forgetting something that might make a difference in the meds she gives me. Im just so tired of not feeling right. never knowing how Im going to feel tomorrow.

they changed my meds today so hopefuly alot of my anxiety will fall away in the next few weeks. they have me on lithium, geodon, paxil, lunesta and zanex. I guess its going to be a fun next week getting used to them all. wish me luck