2/13
my Friday is here thank god. I'm sure I could have done another day at work but its so much nicer to not have to. my sister sent me a disk with pics of my dad. god I miss him just knowing that he isn't there anymore just rips me up. I have a feeling that its going to be along time before I stop crying every time I think of him. Ive been just not thinking about the fact that he isn't here anymore. being all weepy all the time isn't very productive. Ive had people in my family die before there just wasn't an impact like there is with him. I never knew just how important to me he was until he wasn't there anymore.
Ive been really good with the sex thing recently. I haven't asked. I haven't been getting any but I guess deep down inside I knew I wouldn't. I just barely caught myself the other night. it was on the tip of my lips almost falling out of my mouth before I stopped it. I had to remind myself why I wasn't asking for sex anymore. I'm wanting it a lot. now that I'm working again and I'm starting to feel really human and healthy the wanting is probably 3 fold what it used to be. thats a lot of want boys and girls. I'm horribly frustrated. I do feel crappy though. It would be nice to be wanted. to know that someone found me sexy. instead I feel used up and ugly and rejected and unattractive as a human being. yeah I know thats a lot of ands. who knows maybe this is just the natural progression of being with someone. maybe when things aren't 'new' anymore the relationship goes this way. Ive heard jokes about when people get married the sex falls off. maybe other things take its place of importance. I'm not saying married people don't have sex it just seems to be less of a worry to couples that have a longer commitment. married sex doesn't even apply to me cause I'm not married. hell at least married couples have want. I'm in a serious lack of wanting around here. I thought if I wanted enough it would be enough. boy was I wrong. one person wanting means shit in the whole scheme of things. someone asked me why I was still here doing this. being in a relationship with someone who wasn't giving me what I wanted. sometimes its not about what you want its about more than that. I'm here cause I love someone. I have a lot of want and a lot of energy to give to making things work. I'm doing a lot of that, making things work. changing a lot of things so that there is comfort. doing my damnedest to make life worth living for myself and those around me. Ive been having to do more for me cause I'm the one thats having issues, no one else. I'm the one feeling left in the cold, unloved or maybe undesired is a better word. I need to stop bringing love into it. maybe thats where my fault is. maybe I'm putting love in places that it has no business in. I love but that doesn't mean that everything has to be about love. I know that this is not a love and take thing going on here. I give love thats it thats as far as the love goes. I remember telling him once that I didn't want to love him. and he said 'is it so bad'. no its not bad at all its just a really hard thing to do, to love someone wholly with all your heart and having then say 'its nice having you around'. thats it folks thats all I get and then only when I ask for something. its a very large mountain Ive chosen to climb. every day is hard and I feel tired after every one. I'm going to keep climbing because deep down I feel like that is something good that I'm striving for, something good at the top. I refuse to have had this been a fruitless venture. I refuse to give up on loving someone. so tomorrow I start climbing again.
sorry for all of you who get to read about me trying to figure it all out. it may seem like I'm bitching but I'm not. I'm just thinking aloud and trying to work through it all to a better end. I just think I'm missing something important, something that just hasn't crossed my mind yet.
Ive been really good with the sex thing recently. I haven't asked. I haven't been getting any but I guess deep down inside I knew I wouldn't. I just barely caught myself the other night. it was on the tip of my lips almost falling out of my mouth before I stopped it. I had to remind myself why I wasn't asking for sex anymore. I'm wanting it a lot. now that I'm working again and I'm starting to feel really human and healthy the wanting is probably 3 fold what it used to be. thats a lot of want boys and girls. I'm horribly frustrated. I do feel crappy though. It would be nice to be wanted. to know that someone found me sexy. instead I feel used up and ugly and rejected and unattractive as a human being. yeah I know thats a lot of ands. who knows maybe this is just the natural progression of being with someone. maybe when things aren't 'new' anymore the relationship goes this way. Ive heard jokes about when people get married the sex falls off. maybe other things take its place of importance. I'm not saying married people don't have sex it just seems to be less of a worry to couples that have a longer commitment. married sex doesn't even apply to me cause I'm not married. hell at least married couples have want. I'm in a serious lack of wanting around here. I thought if I wanted enough it would be enough. boy was I wrong. one person wanting means shit in the whole scheme of things. someone asked me why I was still here doing this. being in a relationship with someone who wasn't giving me what I wanted. sometimes its not about what you want its about more than that. I'm here cause I love someone. I have a lot of want and a lot of energy to give to making things work. I'm doing a lot of that, making things work. changing a lot of things so that there is comfort. doing my damnedest to make life worth living for myself and those around me. Ive been having to do more for me cause I'm the one thats having issues, no one else. I'm the one feeling left in the cold, unloved or maybe undesired is a better word. I need to stop bringing love into it. maybe thats where my fault is. maybe I'm putting love in places that it has no business in. I love but that doesn't mean that everything has to be about love. I know that this is not a love and take thing going on here. I give love thats it thats as far as the love goes. I remember telling him once that I didn't want to love him. and he said 'is it so bad'. no its not bad at all its just a really hard thing to do, to love someone wholly with all your heart and having then say 'its nice having you around'. thats it folks thats all I get and then only when I ask for something. its a very large mountain Ive chosen to climb. every day is hard and I feel tired after every one. I'm going to keep climbing because deep down I feel like that is something good that I'm striving for, something good at the top. I refuse to have had this been a fruitless venture. I refuse to give up on loving someone. so tomorrow I start climbing again.
sorry for all of you who get to read about me trying to figure it all out. it may seem like I'm bitching but I'm not. I'm just thinking aloud and trying to work through it all to a better end. I just think I'm missing something important, something that just hasn't crossed my mind yet.
posted by graeye at 8:27 PM
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