2/20
the week has been ok. I came home sick on Sunday from work. I feel like hell because I didn't stick the day out. I know that I only have a few sick days so I'm super worried about taking them. I know I needed to not be at work. passing out at work would have ended my job faster than taking a sick day. I need to make an apt and try to figure out why I have this whole passing out thing. Ive tried to connect it with food but this time that didn't hold up. Ive been eating good so I don't feel like shit at work. I'm just stumped as to why I just pass out some times. the whole deal is just frustrating as hell. sometimes I think its just me trying to get out of things I'm having a hard time dealing with. but it has to be an unconscious thing I don't think you can think your self into passing out.
I must have injured my tail bone some where along the line. I just know I have pain. a lot of pain sometimes. pain when I sit. pain when I go to get up. its another thing to irritate me in my life at the moment. walking after I have been sitting for a wile is a chore and a challenge some days. I feel lately like I'm falling apart. it would be nice to have a day that I wasn't worried about my back or my tail bone hurting. I'm sure the people around me are getting tired of me moaning and grunting every time I have to move around. I have gotten to a point that I'm tired of letting myself be stopped by things that hurt me. now I'm of the opinion that if it hurts or not I'm going to be doing it anyways. I'm tired of feeling beaten by my pain and letting it stop me from the things I should be able to do. I have to work and I cant call in all the time with pain. I have no choice but to just shut up and deal with it. I have no one else but me to help me live. I have to support myself and right now my family too. its simple and I have no choices in the mater.
I think of all the people in the world working and I wonder why am I so terrified of working. I know I was isolated as a child but that shouldn't have an effect on who I am today. everyday when I get up I feel panic that I'm not going to be able to do the things I have to do to survive. I take my drugs to quell the feelings I have that scare me and that are not normal feelings. I go to a therapist often. why am I so fucked up why do I intentionally fuck up all the good things in my life. my kids are not with me. my first marriage was destroyed by me. my second relationship was destroyed by me. I'm trying so hard with the third that some days I don't know what to do anymore if the decisions I make are worth the fight. every thing that I do do doesn't seem to mater and I'm held in a limbo of panic and devotion. I'm told that nothing is wanted of me but to be strong for myself. well I'm sorry but I need some support. I don't think I'm ever going to be a person that can just be by myself. I need others. I have learned a lot about being alone. Ive learned that its hard and it takes a lot out of you. Ive learned that I don't want to be alone it sucks. some days I wonder how people do it all the time and like it. its just not for me and I don't ever want to be used to it.
I must have injured my tail bone some where along the line. I just know I have pain. a lot of pain sometimes. pain when I sit. pain when I go to get up. its another thing to irritate me in my life at the moment. walking after I have been sitting for a wile is a chore and a challenge some days. I feel lately like I'm falling apart. it would be nice to have a day that I wasn't worried about my back or my tail bone hurting. I'm sure the people around me are getting tired of me moaning and grunting every time I have to move around. I have gotten to a point that I'm tired of letting myself be stopped by things that hurt me. now I'm of the opinion that if it hurts or not I'm going to be doing it anyways. I'm tired of feeling beaten by my pain and letting it stop me from the things I should be able to do. I have to work and I cant call in all the time with pain. I have no choice but to just shut up and deal with it. I have no one else but me to help me live. I have to support myself and right now my family too. its simple and I have no choices in the mater.
I think of all the people in the world working and I wonder why am I so terrified of working. I know I was isolated as a child but that shouldn't have an effect on who I am today. everyday when I get up I feel panic that I'm not going to be able to do the things I have to do to survive. I take my drugs to quell the feelings I have that scare me and that are not normal feelings. I go to a therapist often. why am I so fucked up why do I intentionally fuck up all the good things in my life. my kids are not with me. my first marriage was destroyed by me. my second relationship was destroyed by me. I'm trying so hard with the third that some days I don't know what to do anymore if the decisions I make are worth the fight. every thing that I do do doesn't seem to mater and I'm held in a limbo of panic and devotion. I'm told that nothing is wanted of me but to be strong for myself. well I'm sorry but I need some support. I don't think I'm ever going to be a person that can just be by myself. I need others. I have learned a lot about being alone. Ive learned that its hard and it takes a lot out of you. Ive learned that I don't want to be alone it sucks. some days I wonder how people do it all the time and like it. its just not for me and I don't ever want to be used to it.
posted by graeye at 7:44 PM
1 Comments:
I know all about the tailbone hurt. Mine has just not been the same since Cedric was born.
A lot of the time I have the same sort of problems you listed. Most of my troubles are from the fact that all of the muscles in my lower back hate me, and so they knot up into one big ball-o-hurt.
The thing I've found that helps me the most is to very carefully lie on the floor with my feet up on the couch or bed or something like that. I probably look something like a weird S shape or something; "o_|-" ...heh. The 'o' is supposed to be my head. I'm funny looking!...Anyhow, with my feet up and together, I slowly and gently rock back and forth for a few minutes. Somedays it hurts like hell and I don't think I can do it, but I've noticed that if I don't do it regularly, I hurt more.
I don't know if this will help you at all, but I figure if you're VERY CAREFUL and give it a try, it might work for you too.
I love you Babe. I wish you were happier.
XXXOOO
*me*
Post a Comment
<< Home