2/27 take 2

ok so I hate it that I was stressed out but I'm better now. I was almost 2 weeks late having my period. that for me inst normal but then I haven't worked in a really long time so maybe that had something to do with it. it was all lame really. I had a pregnancy test and it came back negative but the doubts were still there. I'm just really not in a place to be a mother right now and I don't think I ever will be again. for one I know the kind of long lasting pain that goes along with me and pregnancy. I have enough pains every day already to keep me busy. two I don't have the kind of money that it would take to keep me and a child supported. I know I couldn't do it alone. hell now is the first time in a really long time that I have been supporting myself. and as before we will see how long it all lasts. third I don't have faith in me being a good mom or even being able to do it at all. no thats not true I know I would be able to do it but what would the quality of life be. fourth I like having no real responsibilities. all those things running through my mind stressed me out to pretty high levels. as soon as I have the means I think it would be a good idea for me to get my tubes tied. then there would never be another time of me being stressed out like this.

ok I'm not sure if its just me but I feel off with the people around me I feel like something is wrong. the only person who inst in that is Jer and he has actually been interacting with me more now that I have been working. but then that could be me too. he may be interacting with me the same just in a shorter time span due to me being at work all day. him and I may just do better dealing with one another on a shorter day. anyways Ive been pretty weirded out the last week. I feel like I'm not making time for something I should be or I'm missing something important thats making the people around me act different around me. and yet again I could just be adjusting to life working again. I don't like the feeling however or whatever the reasoning for it. I want to investigate the whole thing but I'm unsure if I have the mental energies to get into something if Ive messed up somewhere along the line. I even feel bad thinking like that. if Ive messed up somewhere along the lines I should just fix it and not let it fester.I hate it when things fester. I guess what I'm afraid of is that nothing is really the mater and its just me. it would really be easier for me if there was something amiss and someone has an issue with something Ive done. I don't like this feeling and if there is no apparent cause for it that I can find I cant get rid of it. I'm really hoping to get rid of the feeling. as much as I hate conflict I'm really hoping.