5/31

ok so I know its been a wile but I got stuck in the series of books Ive been reading. Ive been doing nothing but eating and sleeping them all my waking hours are in the books. now life is sucky Im all through all but the last book. the problem is I dont have the last book. so now I have to order it and wait the bajillion days till it gets here. life is hard but what else can I do. there is stress in my life and I'm not so sure how to deal with it. I'm a week and a half late for my period. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. so its aether to early to tell or my body is just freaking out. I'm sure its the to early option. so now I have decisions I have to make. there are pluses and minuses about the whole thing. well duh. anyways it would be super cool to be pregnant but I know how hard it would be too. my body is no longer young. I remember the pain I had carrying Sydny. I'm, sure it would be way worse now that 10 years has gone by. so I'm way not looking forward to that. we live in a really small place not really any room for expansions. I'm the sole support of our family and I'm only covering living expenses none of the debt we have accrued moving here to Seattle. my car is on the verge of dieing. a good thing on the horizon is that Jer gets out of school in 3 months. and if he gets a good job right out of school things will get better. so in a nut shell Jer would have to be working and I would have to keep working to be able to afford a new place to live to support a child. in my heart I'm going yeah we can do this but in my head I know its probably not going to happen. another big thing in my doubts it that trav told me once a long time ago that I was a really shitty parent. it had a big impact on my self esteem that has never gone away. so with all the issues I'm at a stopping point. what the fuck am I supposed to do. I'm old. I know people have kids at my age all the time. but I'm old and take drugs to be productive as a human being. I'm not so sure I would be ok without my drugs. and I would have to stop taking them for a pregnancy. so basically with all the information I have I'm freaking out and still haven't come to a conclusion that satisfies me as to what I'm going to do. so I have 3 options have baby, have baby and give it up for adoption or have an abortion. yes I'm not one for using abortion as a birth control method but my other birth control failed so it might be my only option. abortion for me is a scary word so many people have such strong views about it. it scares me to even say it here on my own blog but I'm trying to review my options. I'm such a pussy about it too I don't want anyone to hate me for even considering it. I'm so fucked up about what to do. I know that if I decide definetly no to have one that I may be making some changes that I don't want to make. like having to move away instead of living here with Jer. every decision I make has bad things that go along with it and I don't want any of them. Jer has an opinion but its "we live in a small house with no money" thats it thats all I get. there is no more from him. I'm all messed up with no were to go. thats what I feel like right now. I asked what shel thought about it and she said something along the lines of do you even have to ask me what I think. so not much help there from her aether. oh and she was really bitchy about it. maybe people thin k I don't really care what there opinions are. which really sucks cause I need help and I cant find any. I have no one to talk to and I'm so messed up. not having help or anyone to talk to really sucks.