5/2

ok so as most of you know my dad died a few months back. I keep having this horrible dream that he is still alive but he doesn't remember me. its very yucky and I would feel great if they would stop. I suppose its all meaning that I'm totally not over the fact that he is dead. I know things just have to run there course on the mater but Id like for it to happen sooner. I hate waking up all weepy and sad. why cant I just be over it. it doesn't help that my mom is planning to have a wake for him in the coming months. so things aren't really over with him. I don't even know if Ill be able to go to the stupid wake. money is tight and I would have to take off work. both of those things tell me I'm not going to be able to go. even if they did pay for me to go down to CA taking off work is not something I'm wanting to do right now. I just don't feel like loosing my job. then again I would feel like a heel being the only one of his kids not there the same as when he died. I don't know I'm just all messed up and not quite sure what to do with myself.