6-22

well the first 2 days with the rock in my kidney passed in a wonderful drugged haze. I figured since the pain was gone that was it it was through. well its not through the pain comes and goes. I'm playing the lets balance the drugs to pain ratio so I can function and still go to work. I now know that I can drive wile hurting like hell as long as I can not cry wile doing it. crying makes it harder to see. I can function on half a pain pill for 2 and a half hours at work then the pain becomes to much for me to be able to think strait. I have to figure out how to lengthen that time because I have a 7 hour shift on Tuesday. tomorrow is a 4 hour shift so it will be pretty easy to handle. I can hurt for an hour before I start throwing up. so I take the drugs before then and then skate through the next couple in a half drugged state. lol my coworkers think its funny to see me loopy on drugs. once I get off work I can make it the 20 minute drive home hurting like hell and then take lots of drugs to pass out in relative comfort. surviving like this isn't so bad as long as I don't start in with the vomiting cause the pain gets to be to much for my body to handle. as long as I can pee and there isn't to much blood in my urine I think I can ride it out for a couple weeks. if I can stretch the drugs life will be ok. I'm hoping and praying every time I pee there will be a rock. I can say for sure the pain sucks in a big way. I have the Dr. order from urgent care for the CT scan it things get to bad. yeah in a way knowing how big the stone is and at what stage I'm at in passing it...or if I can pass it at all would be great. having thousands of dollars of medical bills I cant pay isn't so great. I'm gonna see about applying for some emergency health care and see if I can get some help that way. when I'm hurting really bad and drugged I don't care much about anything. hell even riping my earing out didn't much faze me. when I'm sober I start to panic and weigh hurting so much with getting the care I should be and working on being over with this whole thing. everything is sucky and my brain so isn't working very good right now. I know I have to work lol even the piddly 15 hours I'm scheduled this week seems like an 80 hour week. I want time to go by so fast but its justed dragging on and all I can do is hurt my way through it. Ill take all the good thoughts anyone can send my way. oh and is any of this doesn't make sense blame it on the drugs ;)